I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
