Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
