If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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