My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
