you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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