i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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