Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
