I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
