Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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