There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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