I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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