I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
