my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
