don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
