I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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