Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
