cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
please come you make the beer taste better
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
