Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
