this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
