he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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