You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
