If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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