Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
