Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
