I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
