I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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