I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
