I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
