WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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