please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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