one two three fourrrrnication!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
