Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
