Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
