we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Randomize
