Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
