update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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