I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
