I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
