i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
