He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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