I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
