Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
