Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
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