My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
