sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
