and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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