Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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