I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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