I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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