The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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